SMOKE 06/98 - What Lew Says

Summer 98
Volume III
Issue 3

by Lew Rothman

As the U.S. Congress debates the particulars of the impending tobacco legislation, politicians at the local, state, and federal level are salivating at the prospect of splitting up the billions of dollars to be paid out in the impending settlement. In fact, a May 7 article in the Los Angeles Times reported that, as of that date, a total of 19 politicians had already been killed or injured in knife and gun battles following debates concerning which Congressional district would receive the larger share of the spoils. This particular article was published just two days after the senior statesman in Massachusetts drowned in his own drool, when advised that his state might be entitled to as Much as $1.5 billion in the proposed settlement.

The government has come up with a number of studies conducted to advance the righteousness of their battle against the evil tobacco empire, and in a recent Congressional hearing televised nationally on CNN, the House committee brought in two dozen chimps to testify as to their condition after being exposed to environmental tobacco smoke while locked in a hermetically sealed box for 90,000 consecutive hours. As evidence of the harm done to their respiratory systems, all 24 chimps were unable to clearly answer even the simplest questions about their family background, favorite authors, or military and vocational experiences.

Executives from the tobacco industry pointed out to the Representatives that the incidence of cigarette- or cigar-smoking chimps in the United States is statistically insignificant; however, it appeared that the members had already had their "agenda" set, and were determined to prove beyond all doubt that smoking is bad for one's health and, more importantly, dangerous to non-smokers who might be exposed to environmental tobaccos smoke (ETS). The tobacco industry then read the results of the largest Study ever done on ETS, which had just been published by the World Health Organization's International Agency for Research on Cancer (IARC).

George Katzenbach, the lead attorney for the Tobacco Industry, read the IARC report entitled "Major Environmental Tobacco Smoke Study Finds No Risk." This report states, "In the largest study of its kind ever performed in Europe, research by the World Health Organization has found no meaningful increase in lung cancer risk to non-smokers exposed to environmental tobacco smoke."

"In fact," Katzenbach continued, "there has never been a single study, utilizing normal scientific standards, which has shown a real indication of increased danger from ETS."

Immediately following Katzenbach's statement, the Congressional committee chair called a recess, during which time he was interviewed by Jay Amberg of Bloomberg Radio. The conversation was as follows:

JAY AMBERG: "Mr. Chairman, my name is Jay Amberg, from Bloomberg Radio. I'd like to ask you a few brief questions."

CHAIRMAN: "Go right ahead, son. I'd be pleased to answer your questions ... uh, just how many listeners does your station have, son?"

AMBERG: "Sir, don't the results of the World Health Organization study in Europe weaken your case against the tobacco industry?"

CHAIRMAN: "The United States government will never recognize or accept scientific data from a bunch of shit-for- brains foreigners. Why, if the good ol' U.S. of A. didn't save their asses in World War II they'd all be goose-steppin' right now, those chicken-shit sons of bitches."

AMBERG: "Uh, yes, sir ... but the study does show that there's no danger from secondhand smoke, doesn't it, sir?"

CHAIRMAN: "Don't tell me a prestigious radio station such as yours is going to fall for that bullshit study done by a bunch of froggies and greaseballs. Where's the common sense you were born with, son? Weren't you listening to the testimony of those chimps you saw in there? Their testimony is just the tip of the iceberg, sonny. We've got a chiropractor from Missoula who's ready to testify that cigarette tobacco has a radioactive half-life of 48,000 years. We've got statistical surveys that show that 95%, of the nation's smokers do not masticate their food properly and are prone to flatulation beyond the age of 60. Do you really think these are mere coincidences?"

AMBERG: "Sir, don't you think that the problems you've just mentioned are associated with the fact that smokers are generally older people?"

CHAIRMAN: "Son, I'm 72 years old. Are you insinuating that I passed some wind back there in the House committee hearing?"

AMBERG: "Sir, let's just drop the flatulation subject and move on to the subject of cigars, a product that is primarily used by adults 40 and over. Will cigars be included in the tobacco settlement? As you know, there is no outstanding litigation against any cigar manufacturer, nor has there ever been. In fact, the FDA has found that there is no statistical evidence to believe that there is any significant evidence of cigar usage among minors."

CHAIRMAN: "Son, to the best of my knowledge, we don't make cigars in my state, and most of us get our cigars "offshore," if you get my drift, so don't fret about some stupid tax that nobody's gonna pay, anyway. Remember, son, this is America, and in America, there are thousands of ways to beat any tax. Here, take this card! This is a company in Switzerland that'll send you all the Cuban cigars you want. No taxes, no nothing, next day shipping. Tell them I sent you. A bunch of us guys "on the hill" get a $10 gift certificate for every new customer we send them ... Then, if you send them a new customer, you get a $10 certificate and we get a $5 certificate. Then, if your customer goes ahead and gets them another new customer, he gets $10, you get $10, and we get $2.50.
"And it's all tax-free. It's some newfangled idea called a pyramid. Hell, everyone in Washington has made a fortune on this already, and just think... If we can double or triple the price the public has to pay for cigars in this country by taxing the hell out of them, then we could get thousands of people to buy cigars through our pyramid!
"Say ... If I was to cut you 'In on this deal, do you suppose you could get us some free advertising time on your radio station?"

The opinions expressed in the above OP-ED piece are solely those of Lew Rothman, owner of Cigars by Santa Clara, N.A., and JR Tobacco, and do not, in any way, reflect opinions of SMOKE Magazine.